dear jamba juice

I AM A HUGE FAN of your culture, mission, and products. i maniacally promote your brand and forward coupons and events widely. but brand loyalty can be like yesterday's meal - great at the time, but sh*t tomorrow. i am writing to implore that you never again use the paper cups for smoothies. here's my story:

i crave your smoothies on most normal days, and a hedonist, i indulge myself more often than not. on sleepless nights, i have counted the hours till opening, and on long days, i have broken many a statute and limit to place the last order of the day. for the most part, i hem and haw between two or three drinks, but you could give me anything and i'd love it. regardless, its always an original 24 ounce, whose breadth and depth i know so well, the rounded plastic lid usually with an iota of smoothie oozing out around the straw hole. i firmly grasp the styrofoam cup, sturdy and insulating. i know its dirty secret - that it leaves behind tiny flecks of your logo inside from the last cup in the stack, but no matter. i yank off the remainder of the straw's cover and take in that cool, fruity goodness. i close my eyes as the calming satiety rolls over me.

BUT WAIT!

this time, it was all wrong. i heard my name and reached for my drink. COLD. WET. something was terribly awry, like an m&m that melts in your hand. my jamba juice, not yet a minute or two into this world, was sweating all over itself. the damage was done, it had pissed all over my hands. i instantly realized that my drink was in a PAPER CUP! sacre bleu! and things only got worse. there were hard fragments of something i'm still not sure what, but i spat them out. and if this unfamiliar object condensating all over my hands with a rock boost wasn't bad enough, the sonofab*tch slipped right out of my hands and took a whopping dump all over the front mat of the third street promenade's gap. i actually meant to exit uneventfully, jaywalk right back to your store, and ask for my drink to be replaced sans rocks. but i fumbled making michael vick look better than jerry rice, and here's the kicker. you made me feel like an a**hole and i apologized profusely to gap's staff for your blunder.

your smoothies are dense and, i'm quite certain, would outweight 24 ounces of most drinks. throw a dense smoothie mix into a paper cup and it only creates a puddle of water. but start drinking that sucker and guess what, there's nothing to support the empty part of the cup, and you're stuck with a bottom heavy baby. so my hand was sufficiently wrapped two-thirds up on the cup when the opening folded in on itself as the slippery bastard simultaneously dropped out from my grasp. were i jim carrey in the truman show, we could cue back the incident and i could tell you which came first. but because i haven't subscribed to instant replay, you're just going to have to take my word for it that both events were mutually inclusive. subsequently, i find your change to paper cups inanely reckless and blatantly reprehensible. so to summarize, smoothie + paper cup --> slippery + heavy --> diarrhea on the floor.

albeit a socially responsible person, i don't care if you're moving away from styrofoam for environmental concern. no more paper cups.

all in all, the damage has been done. however, i am willing to retract half of my outburst for a modest sum of $11,800,275 for my troubles, but will gladly settle for a free drink.