silver linings

Christmas is around the corner and some of us have been absolute angels and have nothing to fret about. But for the rest of you, yep, it's been a little rough. You're surrounded by raging !@#$%&%$. Maybe you're customer of the month down at your local voodoo shop and you've run out of demented things to do the dolls. Or perhaps you've been making up profanities because there don't exist words harsh enough for those you hate or that @#$%monkey!@#face%$#&clown%@#$sucker who just cut you off the other day in the %$#%iest @#$% traffic. Well, anyway, getting coal might be the least of your worries. But in case it does dampen your holiday spirits, look at the upside.

1. Coal is great for grilling.

2. Coal generates 54% of electricity.

3. Coal gives sight to snowmen.

4. Burning coal will speed up global warming, turning the vastest and coldest of lands into little tropical islands. You like little tropical islands, don't you?

5. Coal is an allotrope of carbon. With enough pressure and heat, you'll have diamonds.

6. Coal is a commodity and it's trading at about $71.15 per short ton. The naughtier you are the more coal you get, the more coal you get the richer you are. And by simplified transitive property, the naughtier you are, the richer you'll be!

7. If you're in Utah, heck, you get a stocking full of the official state rock. Well, if you're in Utah, that should be punishment enough. kidding...

8. Silver linings of clouds are a result of fly ash from burning coal. No coal no ash, no ash no silver linings. Sorry, I made that up.

9. If you're a Jew, you got nothing to worry about.

So buck up, it's ok to be a little naughty. Merry Hanukkah!